First up, my advice to Drama Is Boring...
Healthcare provider here. "Ball less mess" is a pretty rude way to describe a cancer survivor (if that's what it resulted from). Also not that accepting of different people's sexual circumstances—you could have been a little more compassionate, Dan. Also, from a psychological standpoint, this guy might be struggling with sexual issues related to his medical history and using the unnamed kink as something to hide behind. Not ideal but not necessarily nefarious or manipulative or even something he knows he is doing. His partner is not his psychotherapist, nor should she have to be, but compassion goes a long way. Live up to your own values, Dan.
That "ball-less mess" crack was unkind and insensitive and I apologize. But I stand by the rest of my advice: regardless of the reason why DIB's partner is jerking her around, the jerking around is itself unkind, insensitive, and, for DIB, confusing and crazy-making. As covers for medical issues go, "I have a kink and it's the only thing that gets me off but I can't tell you what it is and I wouldn't want to do it with you anyway," is a pretty terrible one. DIB's deserves better from her partner regardless of his medical history.
Regarding PARTNER...
Man, if you need support just to be around your family why in the hell would you bother going? Just make a trip to see your grandparents. And maybe pop in for an hour to say hi to your folks. Stay at a motel.
You chose your partner. You got stuck with your family.
— Jeff Kaos (@JeffKaos) December 11, 2019
Oh wow, he’s got her strung like lights on a tree. Yellow Flag, he’s gonna break her heart.
— Lauren H (@SarcasticLauren) December 11, 2019
Regarding Ready To Pop...
I actually just stopped in the middle of today's SLLOTD and decided to write. Noted the emphatic title, I read with interest, thinking, "Dan's usually not a dick to LWs, but sometimes..." So, I read the first two paragraphs and am not warming up to the LW, a man who still has regular, good, satisfying sex with his (presumably hot) wife, which amounts to several hundred pretty nice encounters over the same time span where some of your readers have had zero sex. I began to anticipate what you might say from my years of boning up on The Rules of Savage Love. Then the kicker: "I could try more communications, or try to get us into counseling, BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR." I stopped reading there. License Denied! Of course! Now, I'm gonna go back and read the rest of Mr. License Denied's letter and I'm sure I'll feel OK with however much scorn you treat his motion to the Hon. Dan Savage, judge of the Superior Court of Romance & Sexuality. There might be a follow-up email here.
No follow-up email, so I'm guessing my advice to RTP was too scornful or not scornful enough, but just right. And I can't believe I didn't highlight the line you did: RTP dismisses conversing and counseling as unfair... but cheating wouldn't be unfair? Sometimes people cheat without grounds or cause, and a relationship can survive and even thrive in the wake of an incident like that, particularly if it was a one-off, didn't involve a partner's sibling or best friend, etc. But to cheat with cause—to cheat on the moral high ground—a person in a sexless or near-sexless relationship has to have first exhausted all the other options. Difficult conversations and no-holes-barred counseling sessions come first. The sex-starved person thinking about cheating also has to ask themselves they aren't the problem (relatively easy) and then answer that question honestly (incredibly difficult).
And...
Word of advice for the men out there like RTP, particularly the straight men: Take the initiative. Ask your partner what days are good for an appointment with a relationship counselor. Get the insurance info you'll need. Pick up the phone and call the office yourself. Then go. In other words, do a bit of the work in the relationship. I did, and I'm happier for it.
Regarding a call at the Lovecast—deep breath—from a guy who was confused and hurt when an invitation to the birthday party of a recent hookup and possible love interest was suddenly rescinded without explanation shortly before he was about to leave on a planned trip South America that would take him out of the country for six months or a year or longer...
@fakedansavage That guy on #savageLovecast who’s going travelling clearly didn’t tell the girl how long he’d be gone. She doesn’t want a guy at her birthday who misled her then had the audacity to feign hurt and surprise. Wish you’d told him to grow up and stop being so entitled
— Rachel Cunliffe (@RMCunliffe) December 12, 2019
@fakedansavage Being vague with details to get what you want (sex) then acting affronted when the person is hurt by it is classic gaslighting behaviour. I’ve been there. Maybe he’s clueless rather than abusive. Either way, not someone I’d want meeting my friends at my birthday
— Rachel Cunliffe (@RMCunliffe) December 12, 2019
My hunch was that the birthday girl met someone she liked better—someone who wasn't moving to South America—and invited that other guy to the party and didn't want there to be any confusion/competition. I didn't get the impression that the caller had been vague about his plans. But perhaps I misheard the call and/or gave the caller the undeserved benefit of the doubt. Another comment from Rachel about a very different call on that same show...
@fakedansavage Also since I’m tweeting about the #savageLovecast, I’ve been waiting 10 years for an out-of-the-blue apology from the man who assaulted me. I can’t speak for anyone else but that’s a message I’d want to receive. I want to know he knows what he did. Still waiting.
— Rachel Cunliffe (@RMCunliffe) December 12, 2019
I hope you get that out-of-the-blue apology, Rachel. I hope everyone who would benefit from an out-of-the-blue apology from the person who assaulted them gets that apology, just as I hope everyone who would find it traumatizing to get an out-of-the-blue apology from the person who assaulted them never hears from the person who assaulted them.
A question about partner v. boyfriend...
Dan Savage making a big point about a boyfriend not being a partner. I'm confused? I thought partner was a gender-neutral version of x-friend? What did I miss?
LavaGirl nailed it in the comments: "I think the word partner [has] usually referred to someone who one is deeply emotionally and financially entwined with. Is this possible after five months? The word has been corrupted to include the person you started dating x moments ago. For some, Dan being one, it’s hard to let go of the general expectation about what that word means."
Same-sex couples used "partner" for decades because we couldn't marry. Saying "husband" and/or "wife" felt like a lie, and describing someone you'd been with for years or decades as a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" felt like an insulting lie. So "partner." You risked sounding like cowboys or lawyers, but it was better than the lying alternatives. And when someone introduced to their partner, there were two assumptions about the relationship: they'd been together a long time and were committed to each other for the long haul. Rounding up someone you've just met to partner seems... well, it seems premature, if not quite rising to the level of a lie. And since there are many poly people out there in longterm, committed relationships with people they can't marry—because they're already married to someone else—fighting to defend the meaning of "partner" (longterm, committed) seems like a good idea.
And a reader combined a famous Savageism with a movie I'm dying to see...
Decided the #FuckFirst mug needed some pizazzzzz. Love you so much!
Okay, we're going to leave it there... because where else could we possibly go?!? And, yes, I am honestly excited to see the CATS, the movie, and plan to #FuckFirst as I don't think I'll ever want to fuck again after. Hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you here on Monday!
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Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!
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December 14, 2019 at 03:34AM
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Partner v. Boyfriend, South America v. Birthday Party, CATS v. Coffee Mug — Reader Advice Roundup! - TheStranger.com
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